So, I did it. Newspaper nails.
...and I love them!
Super easy, much more so than I thought. I painted my nails with Essie Sand Tropez (pretty close to the color of newspaper paper), dipped them in astringent (we didn't have rubbing alcohol, which I have heard is the normal form of ethanol used for this), pressed a piece of newspaper on my nails, removed it, and voila!
So fun, I've been staring at them all day!